Already Gone
by Whitefeather
Summary: Rachel's thoughts of her friends and life as she passed on.


Already Gone

  
  
Author's Notes- This is my first Animorphs piece, but it's definitely not my first fanfiction. ^^ I love writing, and have only really written for Final Fantasy. I hope to write here more- I have another Animorphs fanfiction on the way if I get enough reviews!

10-10-03- This story was uploaded over a year ago, but the symbols were replaced with html and such (I'm no computer geek, so no bashing my computer vocabulary. ^^)  so I've finally got around to replacing the old stories with better versions.  Enjoy!     
  
Dedicated to my friend Rebecca, who has leukemia. Get better soon!

~10-10-03- She finally recovered!  
  


  
I'm already dead. Already gone. They're already grieving. Already saying goodbye. Already walking away. And God... I wish it weren't true. I wish I wasn't here. Wish I wasn't dead. But inside, I knew. I knew. I knew I'd be the one. Because if the war ended, I'd already be gone. Either was my death. I've always known it- that's why I'm here. That's why I'm already gone.  
  
That day, three years ago, I was truthfully born. I awoke from the dream that was life, and joined into the reality that was Yeerk. The battles were my home, my blood, my life. And, ultimately, my death. I realized that when I began to enjoy the battles. When the nightmares became dreams. When the fears turned to hope. When I lost myself to the glory of it all- to the killing itself.  
  
He told me I fought well. A compliment of sorts, but in entirety, a horrible suffering. That was what I would be known as from now until eternity- the fighter. Not the human, but the machine. That was enough death right there, just hearing that. I think the only thing still tying me to this world are the eyes of the only one who cares. Cared. He was doing me my last service, changing as I had always willed him to. But only now, when it mattered, was he doing it. And it was more for him than me, proving to himself that he could still be human and he had it inside himself. He had said 'I love you', but I couldn't say it back. In the course of death, it seemed so small, so indifferent, so different... so changed. It was something a single lifetime held, yet death was over eternity. But I understand.  
  
The blow from the bear was irony smacking me alongside. My favorite morph, my favorite animal, my favorite self. The bear was me, but the bear was the one to kill me. I spent my life dreaming of the bear, being the bear. Of staying too long in the bear morph. Of giving up this was, and joining the war of survival. And yet it was stupid. The Yeerk war was of survival. If they won, we would die. That was the fact of the matter.  
  
So this is what it's like to die. To be gone. The pain isn't bad, actually... just a small twinge, then you're gone. Or maybe it was just with me. Because death isn't the endless sky that is before me now. It's darkness. The reason humans fear death is because it isn't known- I live for the unknown. I live every day dreaming of surprise, of new adventure, of life. So for me, this is an adventure. A milestone in my so-called-life. I'm close, I'm here. I should have known... the Ellimist.  
  
He tells me his story, and allows me this one question. The one that every warrior, every human, every being wants to be answered before they fade away. Kind of a crutch, because this all seems so fake, like I should wake up tomorrow from my little sister banging on the door... the last three years have been like a dream. A dream to me, a nightmare to others. Because I was different. Because I enjoyed it. So I asked him- did I matter? In the world, in the universe, in anything did I make a difference? Because when you are standing there, about to fade into the unknown, it doesn't matter the answer. Because his story told me we were designed like that. That I was a happy mistake. That I didn't belong with them. It shouldn't bother me, but a pang deep inside told me it did. Because as much of nothing I was, I was still human. Still aware. But the talk was near over. He merely wanted to honor me, to let me have the answer. He finally was able to. He told me I mattered, that I made a difference. And to a lost mind, one fading away from everything, it seemed so pointless. The question would be lost, none remembered, pointless. But the pang was gone.  
  
I understood.  
  
I understood why David had chosen me, and in time, why I had brought myself to destroy him. Why Crayak had tormented, and ultimately feared me. Why I was here. Because, had I lived, I would have lost. I wouldn't be myself, ever again, without the war. It wasn't a fault, it wasn't a defect, it wasn't even a difference. I wasn't Rachel the Killer, but Rachel the Warrior. The one who lived.  
  
And the one who lost.  
  
And with that, the last wonder came to mind. The blackness of the unknown enveloped me, leaving me no time to ask. No time to cry. No time to prepare. I wondered if... but no, I didn't. I only wanted a way out, a way back, a way to be with my friends for the celebration. I wondered if they would burn my body, if Tobias would cry, if my dad would be there. I wondered if, when I left this place, David would be there. If the other Animorphs would be there. If they could really handle the planet with the changes in the future. I wondered if my sister would grow up like me, of if my mom would ever forgive herself. I wondered if Jake truly knew that I would die, that there was no other choice. I only hope he can forgive himself, like I have, for Tom's death. Because I love him too much, and I know he loves me back. He knows, though, that no one could have known and no one could have stopped it. I wondered if Cassie would ever marry Jake. I wondered if Tobias would ever fly again. I wondered if Marco would ever crack a joke again. But mostly, I wondered if I was ready.  
  
But I knew that answer.


End file.
